MADtv — Lesbian Coffeehouse or Karen’s New Girlfriend, Episode S11E17 (Aired 2006-04-08)
Mad TV (stylized as MADtv) is an American sketch comedy television series originally inspired by Mad magazine and created by Fax Bahr and Adam Small. Original series were released betwee October 14, 1995 and May 16, 2009. The one-hour show first-ran on Saturday nights on Fox, and was in syndication on Comedy Central. Later, the series was distributed by WB Television Distribution (its parent company Time Warner Entertainment owns magazine through its DC Comics subsidiary).
Social & Merch
(Setting: In a coffee shop, Patty and Yvonne, a lesbian couple, are sitting together. Karen is sitting across from them alone)
Yvonne: One decaf latté for one special lady (hands over coffee cup to Patty)
Patty: You make me wanna be wonderful.
(Yvonne and Patty kiss)
Karen: Awwe. How long have you two been together?
Yvonne: 11 penis-free years.
Karen: Guess what? I’m in love too!
Patty: What’s she like?
Karen: Oh, you’ll find out in just a minute. I told her to meet us here. And there she is! (stands up to greet Leslie at the door)
(Leslie and Karen kiss)
Karen: Patty, Yvonne, this is my new girlfriend, Leslie!
Leslie: Hey! (shakes Yvonne and Patty’s hands) How you doing? Nice to meet you.
Patty: Good to meet you.
Leslie: Good to meet you too.
(Karen and Leslie take a seat across from Patty and Yvonne)
Yvonne: Soo… (looks suspicious)
Patty: So uh, where did you two girls meet?
Leslie: Home Depot. Where else?
Karen: I went there to buy some Petunias for my window box, when all of a sudden, I was assaulted in the parking lot by a mob of illegal aliens. Leslie beat up all 15 of them!
Leslie: Turns out they were just looking for work, but you know how men are, you can’t trust them even if they’re Mexican. Us lesbians gotta stick together… am I right or am I right?
Karen: You’re right!
(Leslie moves over and makes out with Karen) (Patty and Yvonne look suspicious)
Yvonne: Uh Leslie… now you must be new in town ‘cause I’ve never seen you at any lesbian functions. Have you Patty?
Patty: No, I have not.
Leslie: I guess that’s because, you know, I’ve always, you know, struggled, uh, with my uh… lesbianity? In fact, just thinkin’ about it makes me want to use the cat box. Excuse me.
Yvonne: There’s a pretty long line.
Leslie: Thanks for the tip. If I have to, I’ll just duck in the men’s room.
Patty: This is a lesbian bar… there is no men’s room.
Leslie: I can be such a dumb girl sometimes.
Leslie: Don’t I get a goodbye kiss?
Karen: Of course you do! (stands up and jumps on to Leslie and makes out with her) Woo!!
(Leslie leaves for the bathroom)
Karen: Ugh, gosh. (sits back on couch) I have never felt this way about any other girl before. What do you think?
Yvonne: Uh, she’s a little butch.
Karen: (looks confused) She’s a lesbian!
Yvonne: Yeah, but there’s all kinds of lesbians. I mean, you’re lipstick, we’re no-nonsense…
Patty: …and Leslie’s the kind with a scrotum.
Karen: (looking confused) What are you getting at?
Leslie: (reemerging) Hey, what’s going on? You ain’t talking about me behind my back, are you?
(Leslie and Karen giggle) (Leslie sits back down on couch)
Patty: That was quick. What happened to the line?
Leslie: Oh, you know. I couldn’t hold it, so I just went in the alleyway and wrote my name on the wall.
Karen: Oh! Wow! (looking excited)
(Patty and Yvonne look uneasy)
Leslie: Did you miss me?
Karen: Of course!
Leslie: Prove it.
(Karen and Leslie make out) (Patty and Yvonne look confused once again)
Karen: Oh look! Our lattes are ready. I’ll get them.
Leslie: Awe. Thank you.
Karen: (stands up and walks behind couch) Don’t thank me now. Thank me later when I get naked.
(Walks over to register to get lattes)
(Patty and Yvonne just stare at Leslie)
Leslie: What’s up?
Patty: What did she mean when she said, when she gets naked.
Yvonne: Yeah, lemme guess… when you two have sex, Karen’s the only one who takes her clothes off.
Leslie: Yeah, well, you’re right about that. But that’s only because, like a lot of lesbians, I have a justified poor body image.
Patty: …or, maybe you’re a man!
Leslie: Why would a man pretend to be a lesbian!?
Yvonne: Uhh, to get some nookie off of a pretty, but stupid, lesbian!
Karen: Hellooooo! (returns with lattés) Two lattes. Extra milk. (sits next to Leslie)
Leslie: Mmm. I love milk and I love and where it comes from. (puts head down into Karen’s chest)
(Karen giggles) (Patty and Yvonne give a blank stare as Karen continues to giggle)
Karen: What’s wrong?
Patty: I’m sorry but we just don’t think Leslie is a lesbian.
Leslie: Look, if you want me to prove it to you, I’ll lez out with all three of you right now!
Patty: (looking disgusted) C’mon, let’s go!
(Patty and Yvonne leave shop)
Karen: Honey, I was thinking… just for a special treat, maybe when we make love tonight… you could take your clothes off.
Leslie: Okay, but I gotta warn you about something…
Karen: Ooh! What? I like secrets.
Leslie: My vagina looks a lot like a penis with two testicles.
Karen: (nods head) Okay!
(Karen and Leslie kiss as sketch ends)
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